Better Together?

You Must Be Joking!


Better together? You must be joking... Or Something like that, right?

"Better Together" was the slogan being banded around during the run up to the Scottish referendum. Really? What have the Scots ever done for the U.K.? If they want out, then good luck to them! And this week members of the U.K. population have to ask themselves, "what has Europe ever done for us?"

I vote get us out of Europe, and while we're at it, get rid of Scotland; get rid of Wales, they're just dragging us down into the valleys; and is Northern Ireland even a place? Let the rest of Ireland have it, and end this separation between North and South. That should resolve a lot of political issues, right?

And Northumberland doesn't add much. Nor does Cornwall, and their folk have expressed an interest in independence: give the people what they want!

Actually, while we're on the subject, anything north of Hertfordshire and anything west of Buckinghamshire. I don't care much for Essex either, or Surrey. Get rid of them all.

I vote for a Greater London state! Great Britain? Greater London! Everyone agrees that the only part of Great Britain that is truly Great is London. But the way the economy of Brixton is booming at the moment, I'm beginning to wonder what it is that makes London so much "Greater"? Is it what's left of vehicle production in Dagenham? Or the green spaces of the 'Leafy Borough' of Redbridge? I don't think so. I don't think those green spaces are adding much to London's economic future. They're only driving up house prices because we can't build on that wasted land, meaning my children can't afford to buy a house in the number one greatest capital city in the world, baby!

Brixton's economy is booming! It has its own Brixton Pound. The likes of POP Brixton and Brixton Village mean you can experience culinary delights from all around the world without leaving this delightfully vibrant corner of South West London.

I vote leave Europe, leave the U.K. and leave most of England behind to look after themselves. Meanwhile, our Street Food, Craft Ale and 'Designer Coffee' businesses can thrive, without having to support and bail out the likes of British Home Stores and the rest of the dying British High Street.

But I'd take it one step further if I could and even vote to leave Brixton. Go it alone. Complete independence. Just me, my wallet, and the couple of hundred "Sam Pounds" I have in it. I'd be 100% in charge of whom I let through the front door. I'd be in charge of my household budget. Complete independence! No taxes! I'm in charge of taking my own rubbish to the landfill. I'm in charge of recycling! My fuel bills: cut in half because I import it all myself and don't have to pay the tax man 5p on the pound! Complete independence! My sewage? I shit in a hole in the ground and let nature do its thing over the course of 12 months. This is my land, I'll do what I want!

Bienvenue à Samland!

Recently a couple of other residents nearby have taken a leaf out of my book, which is great! Good for them! Now the small amount of veg that I grow I can trade with Leon next door in Leonland, for a pretty reasonable exchange rate I tell you. No more trips to Tesco: we have a nice little community, all self sufficient, friendly enough, and most importantly, we're all local. We know the area, we can look out for each other.

But the other day, I came back to Samland and found someone had tried to break in. Now I have to employ security. Got my brothers on rotation manning the fort 24/7. And I've recruited someone to clean my house, because it's too much to handle alongside my job. I didn't mention my job did I? Import/export that's me. I export whatever we can grow in the garden. I have mouths to feed! And to be honest, they could do more, I tell you!

My security guard brothers are demanding higher salaries, because they think they can get more over the road. They're both flipping immigrants, what do they know? Neither of them were born in Samland! But I don't have anyone else I can employ because the rest of my family, the only other natives of Samland, don't want to work - they've got it pretty good to be honest. I would get rid of them, but they're natives, you know?

But little Johnny has just started writing software in his bedroom and he's doing business outside of Samland now. I don't really understand it, but the kid's bringing in some money, which helps the family get by, so I'm all for it.

In fact he got his mate, Dominic, from down the road to help him out a bit. I don't like him myself, can't trust that lot. But he's bloody talented, and Johnny seems to know what he's doing. I told my brothers to let him in. We don't let many people into our home, and I'd like to keep it that way. But when they can add some financial value to our family, then I'm all for it. And none of the rest of my family seem interested in working, so good for little Johnny. And good for Dominic. Only problem is he's staying over all the time now. Business is booming, but I'm getting a bit fed up of him hanging around. He's adding a lot of value, but he's an outsider, you get me?

And now Leon down the road has been giving me grief. His wife and both children are working flat out and bringing in quite a lot of money for Leonland, exchanging goods with other people in the neighbourhood. And now he thinks he can charge me far more than is necessary! The cheek of it!

But after one or two strong, but carefully chosen words, and perhaps one too many bouts of fisticuffs, we managed to form an agreement. An agreement between all my neighbouring households to help facilitate and oversee the import and export between us all.

And it's been working surprisingly well actually. My wife has a job now, exporting her handmade jewellery to the rest of the community. And she's happy because we can now much more easily visit our friends a couple of streets down. And it's a lot cheaper, because their security guards know us. And my brothers that handle security for Samland know all our mates down the road, so we can move pretty freely around our neighbourhood. Leonland has a beautiful garden. I wouldn't want to live there, I'm happy in Samland, but it's nice to travel abroad.

Samland is good on its own. I'd say the only downside now is Dominic, the outsider, hanging around. But he's a good lad, and a hard worker. I hope my little Jenny will settle down with a good, hard working man like that one day.

All in all, life is good here in Samland. We trade a lot with the wider community. We import from Leonland, Felixland and Moland, and we export my wife's jewellery and little Johnny's software. My brothers are helping out in security jobs down the road too, we've kind of got it covered, so we're helping out in the community wherever we can. It's really nice to help out those around us that need a leg up, to get to where we are.

I'd say that letting Dominic in, and forming that agreement with the neighbours, were probably the best dedisions I've ever made since setting up on my own here in Samland. Our business is booming! It's not like we're all rich, because half of my family can't be bothered to work. But we're definitely not poor, and we do have money to go on nice holidays, and to see off a couple of hundred Sam Pounds behind the bar when little Johnny's football team is playing.

And now that I have this agreement with the wider community, I now have my say to influence wider decisions. They hold community meetings and they vote for people in our street to stand up for our small community within the neighbouring streets. I don't go to the community meetings personally and I certainly don't vote, but it's good to know I have those options!

I'm in charge of my own budget. I'm on top of things. Complete independence. Better together? You must be joking!